Jason and I have been going through a speed bump in our marriage. The D word came up again last week. I don't think we've ever been so close to calling it quits before though. Man this marriage thing is hard... I mean... HARD. I love him. He says he loves me. But the actions aren't saying anything. I'm guessing on my side as well.... Although I feel like a complete failure already so I know that I try so hard. But my actions aren't getting communicated across the barrier of his wounds. He can't see me. And I don't trust him because of my own wounds.
My needs are great... I put a lot of stock into what Jason can give me... And he always lets me down. (maybe always is a bit strong... - Usually is a more accurate word because it's not all the time, but generally it is so)
I've tried to put most of my needs on the backburner because I want to meet his needs. Or what I see his needs being. He likes to put a lot of time into providing for our family's needs. And he demands that we don't interrupt that time. And for the most part I really really want to give him that, and do. I know he has a need to connect with other men. (Which part of the time I am thankful and grateful that he does) But this other part of me seeths with jealousy because I don't get that same time and focus and attention from him.
I can never live up to his expectations of household chores. And I can never live up to his expectations of what my body should look like. I've been skinny, I am fat. But neither looks seem to grab his attention. Although He told me last night that he wants me to be more physically fit. (I am dying inside because of his words) Again, I am not good enough, or desireable enough for him. I have kept myself fat because it's something I can control. (sort of) It's an emotional thing. So, it's hard to behave in other ways. I also self loathe myself because I don't look the way I want to. I want to be visually appealing to him, and myself. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be undesirable. I really don't. This is an area I need to explore emotionally, so that I can fix what's broken here. In my heart. I don't think it has anything to do with my weight... That's just a symptom, not the problem.
Household Chores... I really don't like messes... But I really don't like cleaning either. Scheduling is his idea of keeping me up with all that needs to get done... But I'm not a scheduler nor do I like schedules. I guess it's a necessary evil... But still... I feel like it's a waste because it really doesn't ever live up to his expectations. Often I say to myself that if he wants it to be that way, he should just do it. He often has ideas on what I need to do to get something done, but it's usually his way, and it's his idea.
This makes me feel unimportant. Un needed. Like why did he choose me? I often question this. What about me is desireable to have around? He should just take care of the kids (cause he rocks at it) and take care of the finances (which he does but I had it for a while and sucked at it) and take care of the household stuff and have sex with himself. Honestly...
Everything I do has never been good enough. I fail to meet Perfection. All my life I've only lived outside of good enough. I didn't practice my piano enough, and I didn't get good enough. I didn't play the flute well enough. I didn't sing well enough. I didn't write well enough. My handwriting was terrible. I don't clean the house right or often enough. I don't focus enough on the important things. I lose my temper too often with the kids, or don't parent them good enough. I have a collection in my heart of things I don't do well enough. Things that over the past 33 years have added up to the sum of me. Julia = not good enough = Julia = not desirable because of it.
It's a pretty simple math equation. And one that I am having trouble living with.
This past weekend I broke. Completely broke. And am still breaking into tiny pieces. How do I walk forward? Where do I go from here? How do I help fix a broken marriage, when I'm so broken?
Does Jason have issues? Sure... But he's gotta work out those details. I can't work them out for him. Does his actions of perfectionism hurt me? Sure do. Does his actions of leaving me out of his heart hurt me? Yes. But I need to focus on my reactions to his actions. Because of his wounds hurting me, I have turned to self hatred, over-eating, denial (which I have lamely called sacrifice for the greater good and Jason has accepted as status quo), and it's all hurting my marriage and myself. These are all things that have eaten away at our marriage. Our baggage that we've brought to the table, is weighing down our marriage and tearing us apart instead of growing us.
We've been talking some of this through... Which has been great, and also full of pain.
Bittersweet.
I have no real conclusion to these thoughts... They just are. So, with that... Have a good day.
